


There'a Something Broken About This

by highlytrainedfangirl



Series: Talking it Out [1]
Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Angst, Canon Non-Binary Character, Implied Past Abuse, Miscommunication, Other, Post Season 2, Rita is an amazing friend and deserves all the love in the world, Unrealiable Narrator, almost 4K and they don't even kiss what is this, bc even in third person junos self deprecation seeps through, its a hopeful ending, somewhat happy ending?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 10:26:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18467065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highlytrainedfangirl/pseuds/highlytrainedfangirl
Summary: Juno had grown a lot in his year away from Nureyev. Unfortunately, the initial bar was set so low that 'a lot' still left plenty of room for his usual mistakes.Juno tries to talk to Peter after their unexpected reunion, but it may take him a few attempts to get it right.





	There'a Something Broken About This

Juno was a coward. He could admit it. 

He had promised himself on that first day that he would talk to Nureyev. He swore to himself he would. No matter how badly Juno had fucked up in the past, he was going to act like responsible adult. For once. 

Juno had grown a lot in his year away from Nureyev. Unfortunately, the initial bar was set so low that 'a lot' still left plenty of room for his usual mistakes.

Once he had been shown to his little cabin, it was all too easy to hide away. Just for the night, he told himself; he would speak to Nureyev in the morning.

Then the morning came... and went again without Juno even bothering to crawl out of hiding for food. 

Then the next time he saw Nureyev, others were there, and it would be inappropriate to talk there and then.

Then he was busy reading and Juno didn't want to disturb him.

The time after that... Juno was big enough to admit he was stalling. 

But running away from his problems had always been a specialty of his and there was no shame in a lady flaunting his talents from time to time. 

He wanted to talk to Nureyev, of course he did. The conversation had been played out every way imaginable inside his head. Hell, some part of Juno's subconscious had been planning for this moment the second he closed that hotel room door. And that was part of the problem. His mind had already played out every possibility, from the perfect to the utterly devastating, and he knew no matter which way it went, it would be a million times worse in real life. 

Part of him was resigned to the perpetual guilt clawing at his skin, every time he saw those familiar dark eyes. 

🌹🌹🌹

"Hello Juno, it's been a while."

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair how he could look so perfect, so unaffected, after everything Juno had done. That sharp smile, those bright eyes, the immaculate outfit that was a billion miles away from the suffocating desert they were in. 

He looked just like he always had. Perfect. 

Peter Nureyev commanded a universe all of his, and every single spec in it was blinding. 

A throat was cleared next to him, jerking Juno back into the Martian desert, suddenly reminded of the others with him. 

"I take it you know each other?" Buddy punctuated her words with a carefully raised eyebrow. It was the one asking the real question - _is this going to be a problem?_.

"Yeah... We - uh - we've worked together before." He tried to keep his voice flat, not even daring to glance back at Nureyev, and prayed that he sounded even somewhat composed. The answering curl of Buddy's lips indicated she understood far more than Juno would've liked. Thankfully, she said nothing, as she began to usher the others back into the ship.

Rita, who up until this point seemed too enthralled by the spaceship to even notice the man practically sprawled across the hood of the car, turned to look at Juno confused. 

"Hey, Boss, isn't that -"

"Later, Rita," he said with a sign. He definitely wasn't ready for _that_ conversation yet. "Just, ask me later, okay?"

Her suspicious squint softened into something more akin to a wary curiosity, but no more words were said. 

For a fleeting moment, Juno considered tackling the elephant there and then, but when he looked back, Nureyev was already gone. 

🌹🌹🌹

Rita, in her brilliant compassion, gave Juno three days to mope behind his little barricade before coming knocking. 

He opened the door to a pair of warm, wide eyes peering up at him. 

"Mistah Steel, do you think maybe we can talk now?"

He nodded, a single small movement, as he shuffled aside to let her in. The cabins were little more than a narrow bunk and a small metal box for storage. There was just enough room for two people to squeeze in and the two were forced to sit side by side.

Perhaps that was for the best. He could just talk to that lovely patch of rust on wall. As the words flowed out, he didn't so much as glance in her direction. Only Rita's quiet gasps reminded him she was there. 

He reactions were subdued, toned down to match his own low voice, just present enough to let him know that she was listening. Juno's voice remained mercifully steady, although he sometimes had to pause for a calming breath. 

It was strange, to be recounting all that had transpired between him and Nureyev to another person. There was something relieving in it, even if it was somewhat muddied by the guilt of having kept so much from Rita. 

He didn't deserve her.

"I'm sorry," he said, as he finished speaking, "I should have told you before now. I just disappeared on you... I seem to do that a lot." The last part was mumbled quietly, but he knew she heard. She spoke in a gentle voice that Juno had only heard a handful of times before and rested he head lightly against his shoulder. 

"Oh, Mistah Steel," and there she was again, being far more understanding than Juno deserved, "You didn't have to tell me anything. That's your personal life." She suddenly perked up and began speaking in something much closer to her usual voice, "and yeah, I was mad when you disappeared, and I am a little mad not to about known about your SUPER SECRET ROMANTIC HEIST because do you KNOW how many streams I've seen where the grumpy but sweet detective falls for the immoral but secretly loving criminal." She puncated her speech with an over-dramatic sigh and, despite the circumstances, it took a lot for Juno not to smile. "But really, it's okay if you weren't ready to talk about it before now."

He didn't want to think about what that implied. Would he ever have told Rita if she hadn't have met Nureyev again? Would he have told her the truth if he had left? _Not a good line of thought Steel._

"So," she said, breaking him out of whatever spiral he was about to fall into, voice all too gentle for Juno’s comfort, "what are you going to say to Mistah Not-Glass?"

Now that was the question. What was he going to say? Which of the many terrible fantasies did he want to thrust into reality? 

"I don't know Rita, I don't know."

🌹🌹🌹

It was inevitable. 

They had been avoiding each other for almost two weeks before they were finally forced to acknowledge each other. Well, Juno had been avoiding Nureyev; it was hard to tell if it had been mutual. He wanted to imagine it was. That would be easier. Then maybe he could pretend that he wasn't the only one acting like a child. 

It was late. The others were all asleep, and Juno finally deemed it safe to sneak into the kitchen area and smuggle back a piece of toast or two. He kept the lights off, moving slowly through the familiar prison of cramped corridors. His nightly route was so practised he barely even stumbled as he made his way.

Only to almost immediately let out a yelp when the door slid open to reveal another figure leaning against a counter. They were equally shrouded in darkness, but that silhouette had been burned into his memory long ago. 

Nureyev didn't say anything, didn't give any indication that he had noticed Juno was even there, all but for a brief flick of his eyes. He was waiting for Juno to make the first move, probably curious to see what Juno would do. Juno was curious too. 

He stood, motionless, just watching Nureyev watch him. His posture was relaxed, and his face remained painfully blank, but there was something in the way he held his steaming mug out in front of his chest that reminded Juno of a shield. He knew that they couldn't both keep standing there, but how to break the silence? A simple _I'm sorry_ wouldn't even begin to cover it. 

Juno kept staring at the beautiful man before him, eyes glowing something bright even in the near-black. Every possible word he could possibly say rushed from his mind, leaving only one word to slip past his lips, “Peter…”

Nureyev started. It was small, but it was enough the Juno could tell he had been caught off-guard. Something inside his head reminded him that Nureyev probably hadn't heard that name in a year. Juno hadn't even let himself think of Nureyev by his first name since leaving. The only time Juno had ever called him that was when… 

Perhaps that was not the best thought to be having in that moment. 

Juno had almost resigned himself to voicing an apology, knowing that no other words would come to him, when Nureyev responded in kind.

“Juno,” and, oh, that voice was far too soft, full of emotions neither of them wanted to discuss. Nureyev seemed to catch himself, slipping into a well-practised neutrality. “It's good to see you.”

Juno had to bite his tongue. _Is it? Is it really?_ The voice inside his head refused to accept the words. How could Nureyev be so calm? He should be screaming, cursing, punching: anything but just standing there. Juno _deserved_ it. He wouldn't even fight back. But Nureyev made no such move. He just kept waiting.

“I thought I'd never see you again.” There it was. The suppressed flinch that even the darkness couldn't fully mask. Juno hadn't meant it that way, but the light in Nureyev’s eyes dimmed a little. The hopeful hint peeking out from behind the mask was gone. 

Juno was suddenly torn between trying to take it back and doubling down. Maybe then, at least, Nureyev would do something. He deserved the right to lash out and Juno deserved whatever would be thrown at him – metaphorically or physically. He almost did, but the guilt that had been clawing at him since he left that hotel room began to resurface, and he couldn’t bare the hurt dimming Nureyev’s eyes any longer. 

“I mean – I just – you said you’d never come back, and I didn’t –”

“Yes,” Nureyev finally cut in, right at the wrong moment. “I am aware that we had an agreement and I am prepared to look past any… regrettable decisions. I had promised you that you would not have to see me again and, though I'm sorry to break that promise, I can assure you I am fully capable of remaining professional.”

Behind his words, Juno could see the hurt flickering in Nureyev’s eyes and something about his tone almost made him seem… embarrassed? Juno could explain, _should_ explain what he really meant. 

But Nureyev, it seemed, had said his piece and was done waiting. With a soft swish of fabric, he was gone, disappearing back down the corridor behind Juno..

Surely it was only his imagination which heard the faint whisper of “goodnight, detective.”

🌹🌹🌹

“Rita.” He was striking the door with slightly more force than necessary, but the shaking of his arm made it difficult to control. He kept striking until his fist suddenly fell though air as the door silently opened. 

“Rita?”

The lights were off and the doorway in front of him empty. 

“Mistah Steel it’s the middle of the night…” the muffled reply came from beneath a thick duvet and an impossibly large pile of blankets. 

“I know, I'm sorry, I just really need to talk,” _and if I don’t do it now…_. “I – Rita, you’re fired.”

A head instantly shot out from the blanket nest. Whether it was hearing Juno actually say the word ‘sorry’, or the devastated look on his face, Rita seemed to understand what he needed. She was immediately alert, shifting herself to sit upright against the cot’s headboard, pulling her legs up enough for Juno to mirror. 

He lowered himself, grateful for the soft mound of blankets Rita had somehow managed to procure, sitting opposite her with his knees pulled protectively against his chest. 

“Boss?”

“I talked to him,” his voice cracked pathetically, and he fought the urge to bury his head in his arms. “I _tried_ to talk to him. But I said everything wrong and he probably thinks I hate him and yeah, he should hate me, but it should at least be for what I actually did -”

The gaps between words grew shorter and shorter as they began to tumble out, halted only by a small hand coming to rest on his ankle. From where she was sat, Rita couldn’t reach any further to comfort him properly, but the small piece of contact was strangely reassuring. 

“He thinks I wanted to leave – which I mean, I guess I _did_ , but he thinks that was what I wanted to do all along, like I was leading him on or something. I fucked again up and didn’t really get a chance to explain. Now he definitely hates me.”

“Maybe, maybe you could try talking to him another day. Plan it out so you can explain properly. Oh! If you want to practise on me I’d be –”

He cut her off, “sorry, Rita, but I don’t think that’ll work.” He had planning it out – a thousand times – but nothing could ever prepare him for the reality of looking into Nureyev’s eyes as he did it. Especially not after how cold they had looked just then. 

Seeming to sense this wasn’t going anywhere, Rita switched tactics. “Hey, Boss! I just started this new stream, Jet has the best taste in shows and I can’t believe I'm finally around someone who _appreciates_ them, and anyway it centres around this girl who works at this interplanetary zoo, right, and there’s this group who keep trying to break animals out, except the people doing it have to be working form inside the zoo and there’s this subplot with a...”

He let her talk, and silently shuffled to sit beside her as the stream was pulled up on one of her _many_ tablets. He didn’t really pay much attention to the episodes they watched, but it was a welcome distraction all the same. They were all blissfully free of romance, and Juno was once again thankful for how considerate Rita was, even if he didn’t admit it out-loud. 

Eventually, the night faded, signalled only by the waking of the ship’s ‘day’ lights, and Rita stayed awake by his side, never once complaining. 

🌹🌹🌹

Nureyev remained true to his word, in that he was professional around Juno. Too professional. If the others noticed no one said anything, and moments of privacy were too scarce for him to even attempt to apologise properly. 

So, Juno was left to his own heart-broken devices, knowing Nureyev wanted nothing to do with him and probably thought the feeling mutual.

He had thought it was painful before, hiding away with no way of knowing what Nureyev was thinking, but now that he knew the pain only intensified. The dull ache of a guilty heart was replaced with a complete and utter shattering every time they accidentally locked eyes. 

It was over another week later when they were forced together by a job. Juno wanted to protest, but there was no ground for him to stand on. Jet and Rita were busy working some behind the scenes technical wizardry, and the party’s host had specifically invited Buddy and Vespa. Which left Juno and Nureyev waiting in the car outside. Alone. For what would probably be over an hour.

He sat beside Juno, tapping out a harsh rhythm of the leather steering wheel, as both desperately tried not to stare at the other. While Nureyev’s professionalism was flawless in public, in private Juno could already see it beginning to flake. 

The first twenty minutes were spent shooting rapid glances while pretending not to notice the other doing the same. 

Eventually, Juno Snapped. 

“This is ridiculous!” His outburst caused one of his legs to kick out, hitting his knee sharply on the underside of the dashboard. 

“Well, I am awfully sorry you feel that way detective, unfortunately throwing a tantrum will not make the time pass any faster.” Nureyev look over at him as if Juno were a petulant toddler. “I would think you would be used to this from stakeouts.” 

“That,” Juno shot back as he readjusted himself, “is not what I meant, and you know it.”

“Oh?” his eyebrows raised in mock-surprise and his voice dripped with patronisation. “then pray tell, detective, what exactly _did_ you mean.” 

Juno didn’t have the words, instead choosing to fail his arms around between them, “this, _this_ is ridiculous.”

“How very eloquent.” 

“Can you stop being like that when I'm trying to talk to you!” 

All pretences of keeping a look-out were gone. Both twisted themselves to face each other, fully acknowledging each other for the first time in weeks. Nureyev’s face was still that calm, torturously blank mask, but his eyes held a deep hurt and maybe something a little like panic. Juno wasn’t sure what emotion his were betraying. 

“What would you rather I do, _Juno_?” Nothing was more bitter-sweet than hearing his name in that dead voice. 

“I don’t know! I want you to do something! Anything! If you’re mad at me be _mad_. If you want to hit me _hit me_. Just stop going all blank on me.”

“I don’t know what impression I've given you Juno, but I would never hit you.”

Juno huffed out a “isn’t that how these conversations usually go?” and suddenly Nureyev’s eyes _were_ angry, but Juno got the feeling that it wasn’t directed at him. When he spoke again, his voice was softer, though his face remained guarded. 

“I'm not angry. I was upset, of course, but not angry. I'm sure that you had your reasons for going, but you needn’t have said you wanted more than that night. I thought it was fairly obvious I would have given that to you either way. I gave you everything Juno. I gave you my name – the most precious thing I own – and you acted like it was nothing. I was prepared to give you my _life_ and you strung me along just long enough to let me hope and then left without a word. So, yes, I was not overly thrilled at having been misled, but I would never have forced you to stay. A word of goodbye, at least, would have been nice.” 

Nureyev was staring out of the far window, resolutely avoiding Juno’s gaze. Perhaps if he had been facing the other way, he would have seen the heartbreak painted in such excruciating detail across Juno’s face. 

“Peter,” the man flinched at his name, but Juno wasn’t going to let himself back down this time. Too many things had been left unsaid between them and this was the moment to finally let them out. “It wasn’t lying; I meant what I said. I lo-”

He was cut off by a knocking on the window. 

Buddy and Vespa were already sliding gracefully into the backseat.

“Sorry, darling, change of plans. We’re going to be leaving early tonight.”

Nureyev give no indication if having listened to Juno, just began driving in silence. 

🌹🌹🌹

The next few days saw no significant change in Nureyev’s behaviour, but his voice was less sharp, and Juno hoped he didn’t imagine the way Nureyev’s gaze would linger slightly longer. 

The next time they were alone it was intentional, though not on Juno’s part. He was sitting at the kitchen table, enjoying a less-terrible-than-expected omelette, when the door behind him suddenly whooshed open and a figure joined him in the seat opposite. 

Nureyev didn’t say anything, just sat fiddling with the pendant of the long necklace he was wearing. He didn’t try to disguise his arrival behind some menial task – they both knew that Juno always ate breakfast alone once the others had left to go about their daily routines, so Nureyev had no reason to be there other than Juno. 

The detective couldn’t tell if Nureyev wanted him to speak first or not. So, he waited. The quiet around them was uncomfortable, but somehow not as oppressive as he had come to expect. Maybe if he let his mind shut out the past, he could pretend that this was just a calm morning of domesticity, the two of them going about their life together and – no. No, he couldn’t let himself fall down that hole. 

Ultimately, it was Nureyev who broke. 

“I believe we were interrupted, the other day. You were going to say something to me?”

Juno slowly lowered his knife and fork, taking his time to rest them neatly beside each other. The words had been on the tip of his tongue, right before Buddy and Vespa had arrived. He tried to reach for them again, but it had been so much easier when he didn’t have to look into Nureyev’s eyes. So he didn’t, instead fixing his gaze somewhere around the collar of his shirt. 

“I never lied to you. I meant all of it. I wanted to leave with you.” He drew a beep breath in to force out the words he had been holding onto for over a year. “I love you. I love you and I was scared that once we left you’d realise how terrible I am really am and how much better you could do and… You deserve better than me, Nureyev.” 

The longer he spoke, the more Juno’s eyes fell, until he was staring a hole into his folded hands, resting in his lap. 

“Didn’t you ever think, Juno, that perhaps that was not your decision to make?” 

A smooth hand came to rest on Juno’s neck, thumb lightly stroking at his jaw, fingers brushing at the short curls at the base of his skull. He wanted to melt into that touch, but there was still something reserved in the way Nureyev only let the tips of his fingers skim the surface, offering just the faintest touch of comfort. 

“We could have talked, Juno; all you had to do was say something. I would have listened. If you would have still wanted me to leave that’s what I would have done, but you had no right to make the decision on my behalf.”

He deflated a little, leaning further into the hand on his neck. He knew, _he knew_ he should have spoken but wasn’t it just the Juno Steel way to run from that chance at happiness back to the same scummy life. 

“So, where are we now?”

Nureyev seemed to consider this for a few moments before answering. “To be perfectly honest, I have no idea. I won’t lie and pretend we can pick up where we left off. However, we are in space, travelling together, and it seems like we’re going to be here for a while. None of this is exactly how I had pictured it, but I wouldn’t call our relationship unsalvageable. That is, if we are both being honest in what we want right now.”

There was that hopeful light, back in his eyes where it belonged, and only now was Juno seeing how fragile it truly was. Nureyev had offered his heart up once and Juno had thrown it aside. Yet here he was, prepared to do it all over again, on even the chance that Juno might accept it this time. 

And this time, he just might make it work.

**Author's Note:**

> WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME PODCASTS ARE WHERE THE QUEER REP IS AT??
> 
> Anyway Juno steel owns my soul and I had to write something
> 
> Also this fandom has a disproportionate number of fics with Hozier lyrics for titles so I thought I'd hop on the trend :p


End file.
